MelSense,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now, and she’s the girl of my dreams, the girl I’ve been waiting for all my life…
Unfortunately, she didn’t do much waiting, and I recently found out she’s had a rather promiscuous past…I was pretty much a virgin, waiting for that perfect girl to share all my experiences with her, and I just can’t get past the fact that she’s been around…it was always my worst fear, to get with a chick that was…that loose chick. i know shes a good person. everyone loves her because shes so smart, funniest person ever. We’re both 31, so I know everyone has a past, but is this something we can move past?

Stuck in the Past

Dear SITP,

This is definitely something that you two can move past –well, that you can move past (it seems she’s already moved past it). You say you “recently found out” about her past. Did she tell you, or was it someone else? If this information came from one of your boys or a friend trying to “warn you” about your girlfriend, take it with a grain of salt and examine the informer’s motives. They may be jealous, or hoping to gain a chance with your girlfriend by driving you two apart.

If your girlfriend told you about her past herself, it’s a good sign that she’s willing to be up front and honest with you, but you’re still not obligated to stay in this relationship. You have to decide for yourself whether her past is something you can live with. If you can’t, that’s okay, but don’t string her along in the meantime when you know the relationship must inevitably come to an end. If you think you can live with it, talk it out with her now and be done with it –you don’t get to keep bringing it up and throwing it in her face (during every argument, for example). So what do you think, SITP? Got a little Captain in ya?

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How do you help a friend that has decided to wife a complete slut. Not just a girl who is free sexually, but a chick that will f*ck any and everybody, participate in trains and G’s on a consistent basis? He believes his reputation is shot to the point that he cant do much better (poor self esteem) and doesn’t understand that this will make it worse. I think he likes her cuz of her bedroom prowess and she likes him because he doesn’t treat her like a ho. And what’s really bad is her actions are not past but current actions.

Captain Save-a-friend

My first instinct, Captain, is to say there’s nothing you can do. This is your friend’s love life and he can date anyone he chooses, no matter her reputation (please see the above letter). As his friend, your job is to offer support, a listening ear, extra condoms, and a ride to the free clinic. But in follow-up exchanges, you informed me that she is still actively participating in risky behaviors somewhat-behind your friend’s back, and I see one of two possibilities: 1) your friend’s self-esteem really is that low, and he doesn’t think he deserves better, in which case you should strongly urge him to talk to a counselor about building confidence, or 2) your friend enjoys his girlfriend being so wild and crazy with hers. Maybe they’re budding swingers –some of the activities you described to me would certainly suggest it.

Your friend really might be happy, Captain -even if he expresses disapproval at some of her behaviors- and just embarrassed to tell you so. The mutually-beneficial scenario you described (he enjoys her bedroom prowess; she his gentlemanly treatment of her) doesn’t hurt anyone. What relationships AREN’T based on mutual benefits of some kind? I don’t know how much dating experience your frend has, but maybe he wants a girlfriend who can show him the ropes, so to speak. Remind him of the importance of protecting himself, but let him make his own mistakes. And you should probably stop calling her a slut once he makes her official.

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How many sex partners is too many?

Sexy

The way I see it, Sexy, you only have one life to live, so there’s no way to mess it up to the point that it can’t be redeemed. What I mean is this: there’s no way to reduce your body count, so just concern yourself with making the right choices  in your life from this point on instead of worrying whether you’ve gone too far or not.

But if you have to ask this question, you might wanna slow down. Just sayin.

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If you don’t see your question here, check back next Thursday (10.14.10).

-MelSense